Carol Muse's Story

What were the steps leading up to your diagnosis?

After finally being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, the depression I gained from the effects only worsened. I tried many different regimens of medication hoping to control all of those symptoms.

Unfortunately, my world crashed down on me within two years. I have been a mother and wife my entire adult life. With my three daughters having eight years between each of them I struggled when my oldest left home.

Although very proud of her career choice and accomplishments, this gave me more anxiety to deal with. I finally had to make the ultimate decision and quit my job. Once again I sank deeper than ever before.

After my youngest daughter had started her junior year in high school, the husband I adored and my number one supporter walked out of our lives. He left not only me but my kids and grandchildren. Such a tragedy in our lives.

For six months my youngest daughter stayed by my side until she could no longer endure the pain of watching what her mother was going through and moved to her grandparents. I felt as though my life was ending fast and that is what I wanted to happen. My children saved my life because of the mighty love I have for them.

I struggled through the rest of the year experiencing menopause, living alone for the first time in my life and the antisocial life I had. No one, including my extended family, could understand what I was going through.

It was a pain so deep it was indescribable. So I slept. I slept as much as I possibly could until my body ached of physical pain so much, it only added more tears. Tears of crying out to God asking, "Why was all of this happening to me?"

My family felt I needed a change and encouraged me to move from my home of almost 25 years. I couldn't even pack the things in my home due to overwhelming anxiety and depression, and to add to my injuries, I had to give up my fur baby.

Now I had lost everything and everyone.

So I thought I could be in a relationship and it would ease my pain and restore some of what I had lost. To no avail that was a huge mistake. Depression is not something you can cover up. After the failed relationship, my children, who thought that was best for me, have closed me out of their lives and the lives of my grandchildren.

Never in my life have I felt so abandoned. I now live in a two room, kitchen and bath apartment wondering when life and this monster in my head will surrender. I would never have imagined my spunky past to have come to this lifestyle of such misery. All I can hope for is a day at a time.

What lifestyle changes have you needed to make?

There are so many lifestyle changes that need to be made, and I can't seem to reach far enough within myself to bring out the strength to go on.

I call myself fake. To the few people I do communicate with, I am doing okay. They have no idea of the demons I fight daily. Physically and mentally.

Over the past two years, I have lost a significant amount of my hearing which only adds to my problems. Most people aren't very patient with someone who has to ask them to repeat everything they say. Again, so very depressing.

I am scheduled for a Cochlear Implant surgery soon. Am I excited? No. Nothing seems to matter in life. Everything is so magnified to me that I can see the light.

What accomplishment are you proud of?

My faithfulness to God has to be my best accomplishment thus far.

Although I've been mad, yelled, wept, and begged for mercy from God, I have stayed strong enough to keep the faith. Not gracefully, yet able to clear my head and bring myself back into reality. My thoughts of random kindness are many! That is what soothes my soul. The giving of kindness to another human being has to be the ultimate high in my life.

I am proud to say that I have been able to help a homeless gentleman in the apartment complex in which I live. He stays randomly with an older man here and has nothing, including income.

So I have found a way to give him self-worth and dignity by giving him hope in the small job of selling things that I have in storage and will never use again. Again, my random acts of kindness are mostly kept secret in my heart.

Who has been there for you? How?

I have been blessed with the most awesome parents ever. Although they have a hard time understanding all of the emotions – they have supported me the best they know how.

Then there's my sister who is two years older than me. She has been the rock that saves me on a daily basis. She laughs with me, she cries with me, and all the while accepts my sometimes intolerable behavior. Again, I would have never made it this far without her.

What's your advice to someone else living with Depression?

Use a counseling service. I've been told this many, many times but who wants to talk about their lives when there is nothing positive to tell? Talking with someone with an unbiased opinion of you and your situation does help! Keep the faith and pray.

Is there anything else we should know?

I am a simple yet so complexed woman who lives in fear that I will never see true happiness again.

One that longs to be held, to be loved and wanted. I don't foresee this is my future. I've asked a few people over the past year if they thought a person could love someone too much (including family members). My answer to that question is yes.

My life has NEVER been about me. It has been for the love of others.