I signed up months ago, yet I have been so afraid to post anything until tonight. I am sitting in the hospital since Wednesday after blacking out three times in the past two weeks. One of my black outs caused me to fall down the stairway to entrance of my sisters house according to when I looked at the clock when I parked I was out 40 mins. So this past Wednesday I was driving and the light headedness began I pulled over on the side of the highway and rested for about 60 minutes. I decided to drive to the ER. They think it's migraines and that my Lupus in some way is affecting my heart rate.
I spend 5 days on heart monitors, I get MRI's, CAT SCANS, X-rays, EKG's, check my blood pressure, re adjust my Lupus meds. I faint while in the hospital. The find an infection blood infection so I am on pure antibiotics. Neurologist returns retest.
Now today they say above all that experimentation they have concluded I am severely depressed and the fainting is from the inability to manage the stresses .
I have been going to my doctor for months saying I am depressed. I can't sleep. The pressure of my husband of three years packing all his things and moving to another state. My thing to commit suicide one it.
My having to come off disability to go back to work because he is gone. I go back to work to a new administrator finding everything wrong with what I do. I have 17 years over her 5 years in this industry and 8 years with the same company. She recently been demoted and reassigned my job duties. Depressed is an understatement.
I don't even talk to anyone about what Im going through because I get.
God doesn't give you more then you can handle
Better things are coming
You need to go out, you use to be so social
Take a cruise
Go back on disability
Girl! start dinking you get better real fast
Go online and find some
Look you still have a job health insurance be happy you were only reassigned.
Pick up a guy in a bar and go get laid.
If I said I had CANCER or AIDS would I get those responses.
I am dying right before everyones eyes. Depressions is eating away me like a flesh eat disease. In there weeks Ive loss 40lbs, people say "wow you look great." I come home and I am in bed at 6:30pm I have panic attacks all through the night. I feel like I'm running out of time or someone or something is going to just swoop me up. Yet once they get me they won't kill me. Just frighten out of my sleep and leave me here to wake to yet another miserable day. Im jealous of seeing happy people, rich people, successful people, people with babies, people in love.
I intelligent, I have three masters degrees, I am respected by those who work close to me. It just that I do not feel accomplished. I do not feel my worth. Every time I hear that someone has died. I find it a cruel joke because I know as died they begged God for just another day. Yet every night I pray not to wake up. All I see if regret and Failure.
In my life time I have made three attempts on my life always pills and all failures. I don't believe if you want to to die a law, religion, or love one should tell you have to stay in a place where your not even looking for "happiness" but just to be grateful or some sort of contentment.
Everything I grasp purely turns to sand and slips through my fingers.
I have never been satisfied, never appreciative, nor grateful for anything until I have lost it. Now I just want the cycle to stop. I will meet with the psychiatrist. I will allow him to readjust my meds. I will roll the dice at another chance at life. But I don't think it will ever change because only a hand full of people see how dangerous depression really is and how it is effecting so many people, especially people who are raising children with this tormenting disease.
My administrator will never know depth of how she destroyed my future career, the gossip, the embarrassment, the sense of complete failure I walk with. I feel like an old washcloth. I have served my purpose and now I become an old dusting rag.
So again I ask when do the take depression seriously?
Sorry for the grammar, In the hospital drugged up